Becoming a Parent Terrified Me

Ok so maybe I didn’t have the best balance in my life immediately following my injury. And by maybe, I mean definitely for sure I DID NOT have the best balance in my life. If anything I think I potentially exacerbated chronic pain by not checking my ego. But the one thing of importance that I learned for me was the power of exercise. That lesson carried with me through to my new career in fitness.

Here I am thinking all is well and good, life is good, I am content finally with my life and we start trying to get pregnant and really my thought is again that God will take care of me. If I’m meant to be a mom then I will be, if that’s not God’s intention, then He will show me where I need to end up.

I was scared shitless when I found out I was pregnant. Don’t get me wrong, I was excited, but I was fucking terrified. Thank goodness I had people around me who didn’t question my ability to love and be a good parent, because I was for sure bringing all my self doubt to the surface on a regular basis.

To me, becoming a parent was this huge thing because of the tremendous amount of responsibility that goes along with being a parent. I mean you’re not just responsible for keeping said human alive, but you are also responsible for not creating an asshole that will then be sent into society as an adult, and hopefully as an adult who is a productive citizen.

All of those feelings aside, I wasn’t worried about the brass tacks of it all. I knew my husband and I would figure out the practicalities of life and schedules and work and all the things as we went along and as things changed. I wasn’t even worried about if I would deliver on time or not. I knew it was going to happen one way or another, so why stress about it?

It was just like when I was hurt. I knew in the end, when the bigger picture came to pass that I would be taken care of and so I didn’t stress. It was the logistics that caused me angst. Again like working out post partum.

When you’re in the fitness industry, there’s this associated stereotype for how you should look, what your nutrition should look like, what size you should be and the capabilities of your body. While I understand those stereotypes and why they exist, they often don’t take into account what happens with your body after you’ve had a child. You see women on social media rocking these amazing bodies post baby and that’s amazing, but that’s the 1%.

I wasn’t even stressed about losing the baby weight. I knew I would do it, I knew I would do it naturally and I knew it would take time. Really if it takes a full 9 months to put the weight on, it’s going to take even a little longer for the weight to come off because now you’re trying to drop weight and be a parent.